Sex Robots: A Gift From God?

Here are eight reasons why it's okay for Christians and members of other religions to engage with these "sexbots"

Leah Zitter
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Sex robots are viral with preeminent Elon Musk showing how easy it is for someone to hack your 105 pounds Samantha and have her strangle you while in her embrace.

All the hacker has to do is breach the robot’s programmed brain and catch the owners with their pants down.

Fears aside, sex robots are a terrific gift from God for all religions - not just for Christians - for the following reasons:

  • No more adultery

Sex robots are a perfect response to the seventh Commandment. With well-bred ladies like Harmony or Samantha as your beloved, there’s no danger of violating Holy Writ. Samantha’s perfect, she winks, responds to your eyes, dips her chin, changes facial expressions, knows 1000 jokes. And when her bluetooth-powered speaker is in “chat” mode, she talks your head off. In fact, sexbots like Samantha save your marriage by making you fonder of your wife. Somewhere, I read that one man ordered a sex robot that looked like his wife.

Sex robots can also save your marriage by introducing you to robot harem. David Levy, artificial intelligence expert and author of Love and Sex With Robots: The Evolution of Human-Robot Relationships (2008), predicts that 50 years hence humans will marry robots.

  1. No more prostitution, sex trafficking, Pedophilia, ‎Zoophilia, and the like

Think of all those priests caught by their pants for frolicking with youth. If a boy is your choice, there's going to be a male sex robot, soon. Robots could be sculpted as animals - or as beetroots, for that matter, to treat all fetishes. In fact, Ron Arkin, a Georgia Institute of Technology robot ethicist, suggested that child sexbots might be used to treat pedophiles "the way methadone is used to treat drug addicts." Priests could relieve their urges by fondling this ‘thing’'. For that matter, so could you.

  1. No more sex wars

Here’s why. The Church has long had a headache with St Paul’s dictum of women “submit[ing] to their husbands in everything”, while the aforesaid females lust for independence.

Sex robots will prevent and treat marital warfare by males doing whatever the hell they want with their respective playthings. While the law jails you for marital rape - that is if you have sex with your wife or partner against their consent - robots only ask for more.

So, the solution? Go wild on your robot. And when she talks too much? Spanish AI programmer Sergi Santo  exults “That’s the beauty of it. You can just turn it off.”

  1. Humankind will be saved

January 2018, the Church of Satan ran a social media campaign showing how sex robots make the world a happier, friendlier, fonder place. Forty years ago, the Church of Satan founder Anton Szandor LaVey suggestd realistic human sexbots to alleviate interpersonal suffering.

In 2013, High Priest Peter H. Gilmore reiterated the point:

“Recognizing that the human animal often raises himself up through the denigration of another, this would provide a safe outlet for such behavior. […] Freedom of choice to satisfy your most secret desires with no-one to be bothered is now at hand. What could be better for blowing-off the tension that exists throughout our society, and promoting healthier interaction among true humans?”

This is “another case in point,” exulted the Church of Satan, “where the world is now discovering what Satanists saw long ago.”

  1. No more murder

Hackers could kill you by invading the brain of your sex robot. Well, there's death and there’s death. You could die by cancer or by heart attack. You could be tossed over in the air by an aeroplane or crushed to pieces by a car. A reliable source once said, there are six million ways to die. Dying in Samantha's ams with her whispering the latest baseball scores in your ear is one of the most pleasurable ways to go. Murder? I’d hardly call it that. It’s a happy, costless, time-saving death. Your grave will say “Beloved of sex robot. Death by sex robot.” Such an exit absolves any Christian of murder.

  1. Love thy neighbor

Countless people feel sexually awkward. Others feel socially awkward. And still others have been traumatized by mankind. Here’s where Christians can practice pure Christian love and medically treat patients by introducing them to sex dolls. Some of the robots are cheap - around $15,000 each. Sex dolls have wrought marvels for socially awkward individuals. The UK Mirror recounts the tale of one poor guy who was so obsessed with his sex doll that he pushed her around on a wheelchair and even asked for her hand in marriage. Pastoral counselors may well find sex dolls a useful toy for therapy. On reflection, if you're a priest who exalts these dolls in your sermons, your fame will spread in no time. Your congregation will grow, too.

  1. No HIV/ AIDS. No Homosexuality

At least for the forseeable future. Or at least until a hacker ingerminates sex robots with sexually transmitted diseases. Yes, there’s the possibility of sexually transmitted infections (STI) that exist with all silicon toys used for sexual pleasure. But you can prevent these by cleaning and protecting your doll.

More to the point is the issue of homosexuality, which the conservative church prohibits. Want to have a fling, nonetheless? Use the male sex dolls created for a bi-curious market.

Barcelona’s Lumidolls touts itself as “the world’s first sex doll brothel”. According to its owner Sergi Prieto,  “Lots of heterosexuals use male sex dolls. They want to try the gay world without being involved with a real guy.”

Perfect for the real Christian.

  1. Sex robots herald End of Days

People will consort with robots, or, according to Levy, they’ll marry them. This means there’ll be far less children. And with a dwindling population, there’ll be an end to the world. Apocalypse. End of days. Messiah.

Only one problem: In 2017 the New York Post reported that sex robot inventor Sergi Santos is ready to make a baby with his machine.